Discovering the Truth and it Hurts
by fi3fi3
Summary: You can’t do this to me please, I can’t live without you, I love you Ianto - Jacks thoughts on Ianto and their relationship, but there are things no one knows about Ianto Jones. AU Janto angst. NOW COMPLETE
1. The Beginning of the End

**A/N - This is a really angsty fic, Janto Janto Janto. I dont know how this will turn out because I'm writing each chapter as i think of it and so i have no idea about plot yet (scary)! I decided to write this because i wanted to focus on the phsycology of a realtionship and of course i had to choose Jack and Ianto! I don't own Torchwood!**

**This is set after They Keep Killing Suzie but this is very AU so it probably wont mention the following episodes (which is sad coz i like series 2)!**

**Enjoy!**

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'You can't do this to me please, I can't live without you, I love you Ianto.'

Jack remembered saying those words, and how they'd been in vain, after all that he'd been through so far. He felt sad, but the rational side of him told him it was for the best. For there were things about Ianto Jones that nobody knew, and it was going to stay that way.

It had all started when Ianto had come onto Jack, over the body of their colleague. That stopwatch had come in useful, all the good memories it held, painful memories that led them here.

Although they had both wanted to, they hadn't slept together that night, they hadn't slept together at all contrary to popular opinion (mainly Owens). It had been their decision to do things properly, and somehow maintain a grip on the realities of the outside world. They had also decided not to tell the rest of the team as they had agreed that it might jeopardise the relationships within the group and teamwork was vital to their job. And they lived.

Those four months were perfect, heaven, at least they were to Jack and the sad thing was he thought that Ianto felt the same.

Jack remembered all of that, just over four months of perfection and several weeks of sadness. He looked across his desk where he was sat thinking and his eyes fell upon his diary.

No one knew that Jack kept a diary, if someone found it – they could bring about the end of the world, but those entries weren't the ones that Jack was thinking about. He opened it and began to read.

_**29**__**th**__** September**_

_Ianto and I have got together!!! It's so amazing; this is what I've wanted for ages. He's so amazing and funny and charming and he makes me feel so alive. Oh Christ, I sound like a lovesick teenager! To think that __**I**__ was too scared to ask him out! This is the best thing that's ever happened to me and it's going to last forever!_

Jack struggled to hold back tears as he read the thoughts of his past self. He skipped to another page and read on.

_**13**__**th**__** October**_

_We had our first kiss today! About time too, I kissed him a week ago but he was so shocked he didn't react so today was our first proper kiss. It was so silly, sitting in my office listening to my I pod with one wall separating us from the rest of the team. When we kissed, the most stupid song in the world was playing, I don't think Ianto remembers what it was but I managed to catch the first few bars before I got lost in the amazingness of my man. Sexy boy by WWE Anthology. Ianto said that I have a load of random crap on my I pod! Just because I have a few things on there that no one has ever heard of and I've been really good – there's no music from the future on there (not my fault they don't have mp3 files in the 51__st__ century)!_

A tear ran down Jack's cheek. He flicked past many pages this time, searching for the right one. When at last he found it, it took him several minutes before he could bring himself to look at the small book.

_**19**__**th**__** November**_

_I think I love him. I have been thinking about it for ages (as this diary shows) and I know that I love him. We've said 'I love you' to each other before but I don't think either of us meant it, not as lovers anyway. As friends yes, I've loved him as a friend for ages, but recently I have come to realise that I Love him. Love with a capital L._

_Every time I look at him I feel my heart bursting in my ribcage. It's almost as if he glows, he's so kind and selfless and funny and I feel as though he could fix the world. I would do anything for him. If one of us had to die I'd choose me every time (not surprising really as I would come back). Even if I would stay dead I would still do it because he deserves a chance to live and a chance to be happy. He makes my past seem all better, Gray, John, all the bad things that have happened and that have haunted me in my sleep don't bother me anymore. My dreams are filled of fantasies of us having a picnic on the beach or cuddling up on the sofa or finishing a proper date (damn weevils)! We still haven't slept together, on the one hand I really really want to – I'm Captain Jack Harkness for crying out loud, I deserve to be shagging someone, but on the other hand I don't want to spoil the fantasies and possibly jeopardise what we have. He's very nervous about our relationship, he has only recently realised that he is bisexual (whereas I have known for some time) and we live in a time that doesn't really understand gay relationships. He doesn't want it getting out for risk of rejection by friends and family. I still Love him though._

That was too much for Jack and he broke down into floods of tears, dropping the little book onto the hard, stone floor. 'I was so naive back then.'

Jack knew what had happened since, and it was all too much.

The diary had fallen open where it lay on the floor and through the tears Jack could make out the last entry he'd written.

_**06**__**th**__** January**_

_This is the day that my world ended…_

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**A/N - To be continued. Hope you liked it so far. Please review!**


	2. The Hide and Seek of Emotion

**A/N - Well here it is - chapter 2! Yay! I enjoyed writing this chapter, its so emo and i really enjoy writing characters deep emotions. (That makes me sound so geeky! But hey - i am a geek). I don't own Torchwood so long live Janto!!!**

**Enjoy!_

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_**06th January**_

_This is the day that my world ended…_

…_at least that's what it feels like. I've only just stopped crying enough to write this._

_I had such a good day today as well, mind you, Ianto was acting strange. Only I noticed and I suppose that is all part of it._

_The email had been sitting in my inbox since yesterday**: **_**From** Ianto Jones **Subject** Important.

_I saw it there while we were all researching suspected recent weevil attacks and to be honest I'm really glad I waited until later to read it for when I read those terrible words, I could feel my heart tearing in two. And I'm not ashamed to say that I cried. Just the things that it said:_

**From** Ianto Jones **Subject **Important.

I'm sorry it's over. It has to be before I loose my mind. I love you but I need my mind more and if I loose it then I loose everything. You're still my best friend but I'm too involved with Torchwood to make any life decisions and I'm not ready for a relationship after Lisa and especially one built on lies (mainly on my part there I admit but no one knows I'm bisexual). I have to focus on the team and on my health, it's bad, I think have mental issues with everything that has happened.

I hope that you don't tell anyone about us though I will understand if you want to but I don't think either of us is ready for that and know I will always be here, ready to listen if you want to talk to me. This wont change anything I just cant go on with this relationship as I don't know what I need or want in life as I'm to confused with what I already have so I don't think I'm ready for a relationship or to drag you into my life.

I also apologise for letting our relationship get too intense before I realise what I have to do in life as now I have to focus all intension on the team and that's all. I'm really sorry. I was never good enough for you anyway.

Ianto xxx

_I read it. I read this while alone in my office. Do you know what didn't help??? Ianto came onto the Torchwood message room while I was halfway through reading this in a state of shock. And do you know, the first thing he said was 'have you read my email?' I could only bring myself to reply one thing…_

'You can't do this to me please, I can't live without you, I love you Ianto.'

Jack found himself saying his line out loud, as if he was echoing that fateful day. That message conversation had been horrible. Ianto was at home, so far away. No matter how much Jack begged, pleaded for him, he didn't give in. Jack thought that that was the first time that Ianto had had the upper ground and not given in, he was the person that everyone usually pushed around. But not this time.

Jack looked down to the little book again and dried his eyes before continuing.

_I blame myself. It must have been my fault. Only yesterday, I sent Ianto (it hurts just to write his name) an email filled with all of my feelings and my thoughts and I hoped that it would persuade him that I actually was in Love. I had told him before but he didn't believe me, he honestly believes that he is not worth loving. I think it was Lisa that tipped him over the edge, when she left him all alone in this cruel, cruel world, he stopped believing that he was worth anything. I honestly believe that he wanted to crawl away and die. None of us knew that though, he's such a good actor when he wants to be. He created a 'mask', a 'public face' that everyone thought to be true._

_Now I know the 'real' him. And it breaks my heart, that such a beautiful, wonderful person cannot see how anyone can like them._

_It's funny how all our serious conversations take place via email or text. It seems as though we are incapable of talking face to face. Mind you, it's probably a good thing, I think I would cry if I so much as looked at him right now. And it is easier to write down your feelings where you can spend hours agonising over the right word that means exactly what you want it to mean._

_We have decided to remain friends. Of course we have, it would hurt even more if I lost him completely and he was always the one I could talk to and confide in. I don't want to loose that special bond._

_I'm going to go to bed, there's nothing else to right now is there? I shall probably cry myself to sleep. Tomorrow will be hard._

Memories. The next day **had** been hard. Jack had been completely exhausted on account of hardly sleeping. He had almost fallen asleep at his desk when Tosh was trying to explain… something. Everyone noticed how upset Jack seemed although no one was nice about it, not even Ianto himself who had to maintain his façade of happiness. In the end Jack had returned to his thoughts, which he wrote down.

And now he read them again.

**_07__th__ January_**

_It's for the best. It must be. I've thought it through and so what if I Love him? All I want is for him to be happy, even if ultimately, that isn't with me._

_Today was bad though. I was so tired, the others didn't help. Ianto and Owen were the worst. They ganged up on me, albeit in a joking way. I felt so sad yet I could show none of it on the outside – I have to say I failed. How does Ianto do it? He shows none of the true emotions that he feels. I wish I could be like that._

_Seeing Ianto and Owen decide to flick water at me because I was upset and not feeling particularly sociable broke me. I practically ran to the toilets, bypassing Gwen's half-arsed enquires, where I planned to break down and shed tears of raw emotion. But none came, I had used them all the night before, crying myself to sleep. On the matter of sleep, it is 11:00pm, and I will not go to bed, even though I have work tomorrow. I cannot face another night wallowing in my sorrow – alone. I don't deserve to sleep, I am a horrible excuse for a person. All I need to do is find something to fill the night with. Oh… Ianto's come online. I will talk to him, I don't hate the guy after all. He needs me to be strong for him. I Love him._

Looking back, Jack wished things had ended there. Because after that, they had gotten a whole lot worse.

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**A/N - Dun dun dunnnnn! Poor Jack - I feel bad making him be sad. Please review to make Jack (and me) happy! **


	3. Old Habits Bringing False Hope

**A/N - Thanks for all the lovely reviews, they made me happy though and i'll wait until you read this chapter so you can decide whether or not it made Jack happy. This chapter is quite an emotional rollercoaster (or it was for me when i wrote it). I don't own Torchwood so lets make the most of borrowing them.**

**Enjoy!**

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They both understood each other, or so they thought.

Many, many email and message conversations had taken place between the two broken souls.

Both Jack and Ianto were regretting breaking up but knew that it was for the best – for Ianto, even though Jack didn't entirely know why.

Jack had given up begging Ianto to take him back as he knew that any attempt to do so was fruitless and made him sound weak. The last time Jack tried to be spontaneously romantic in an attempt to re-establish their fractured relationship had been two days after the initial end. He had got some song lyrics off the internet and changed them so they were personal to Ianto, who had appreciated the gesture but apparently it wasn't enough to win him over.

And then, on the ninth, something happened that changed them.

Jack red what he had written on that day and it brought back memories both happy and painful, and filled with false hope.

_**10**__**th**__** January**_

_Yesterday was strange. Good strange or bad strange? Well that's the question. If it gets us back together then its good – obviously, but I won't know anything until later. All I can do now is recount what happened._

_It was one of those days when we all have to cover the night shift at the Hub, I won't go into the details of why – it's all in the official records anyway._

_Rift activity was at an unusual low so we decided to make the night a bit of a party, we were all on duty so strictly no booze (unhappy Owen) but we rented some movies and settled down on millions of cushions (why there are so many I don't know) to watch them._

_It was fantastic, for one night, I could pretend I wasn't alone and that Ianto and I were back together. I should probably explain. We spent the whole evening cuddled up together, sending flirtatious looks and the odd grope here and there. Just like old times. I felt like I was home. And do you know what? He spent the whole time hugging me, normally it's the other way round but it was so nice to think that he cared about me and wanted me close just as I wanted to be close to him. It all seemed so right and just for one night I could be back together with the man I Love._

_Mind you – there was one moment that brought back the whole thing. Gwen and Tosh had gone for a bit, to get ice cream I think, and Ianto and I were listening to music. Then this song came on, The man who can't be moved by The Script. I broke down. Lying in his arms, with my tears falling on his stomach. It was really lucky that Owen didn't notice, he was totally immersed in some stupid comic book and so didn't see my stream of silent mourning. Ianto did though. He was so shocked and I don't think he knew what to do, apart from pat my head a little and wish he were someplace else. I stopped crying after a while, before Tosh and Gwen returned and before Owen finished his comic. And the night continued._

_When it was time for us to catch a brief wink of sleep, Ianto snuggled into me beneath the blanket and we fell asleep holding hands. The picture of happiness._

_It was back to ganging up on me the next morning though. I greeted today through a horde of pillows landing on my face and the duvet being ripped away. Owen and Ianto were to blame. This continued for an age until I had woken myself enough to stagger down to the bathroom and fall asleep on the toilet. _

_Now here's me, sitting at my desk, waiting for a reply to the email I sent Ianto._

Where are we? Is there hope?

_I will wait for an answer, because there is always hope and you can't plan the future._

Ianto had replied. The conversation had gone from them both being confused to Jack accusing Ianto of stirring up the situation to Ianto accusing Jack of trying to pawn the whole thing off on him when it was clearly more Jacks fault. Pretty soon it was a full blown argument until Ianto had dropped that bombshell. That sentence stood out a mile and it hit Jack right on the head. That sentence told Jack how stupid and childish he'd been and how he should have realised, should have been there for the one he loved. The man who said this:

'I'm getting therapy.'

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**A/N - Oh Noos poor Ianto. Lets all support him by reviewing (hint hint lol)**


	4. A Window to My Soul

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**A/N - Sorry this chapter is a bit late, but I got round to writing eventually. I don't particularly like this chapter, please tell me if it's any good or if it's complete rubbish - thanks. Thank you so much to all of my lovely reviewers! You guys ROCK!!! I don't own Torchwood.**

**Enjoy!**

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_11th January_

_What have I gotten myself into?_

_Ianto, therapy? How? He's always been the calm, collected member of the team. Of course, we all think that we know the 'real' him. I am beginning to think that even I, don't. He has told Owen, I think, about the therapy. Heaven knows why! Owen would be the last person I'd tell. Okay, so I don't 'officially' know that Ianto has told Owen, its just that he keeps making snide remarks, 'not long 'till you get in the chair Ianto', 'Tell someone who's paid to listen don't bother me' – that sort of thing._

_I hope he's alright, maybe I should just give him some space for a while. I worry about him. And to think that all this time I've been worrying about how immature he seemed, I just wanted to run up and shake him and tell him to grow up. Make him realise that this is real and that it could be something wonderful – to change our lives forever._

_And now I feel awful. Thinking all this time of ways that this could be a fairytale relationship, I think I got lost in the fantasies of how perfect it could be and I somehow missed the realities. I'm such a selfish bastard. I hate myself right now. If Ianto didn't need me to stay strong right now, I would probably do something incredibly stupid._

Stupid? Like what Jack thought. I can't die. All my ramblings from what seems like an age ago, but I can still feel so much.

Jack flicked through the diary but found there was not anything more than a blur of feeling and self pity for the next few pages. He remembered what had happened in the two days following that last diary entry.

**Ianto has logged on**

**Ianto: **Hello

**Jack: **Hi

**Ianto: **So

**Jack: **So…

**Ianto: **I'm going to need Tuesday morning off, if that's alright – my appointment.

**Jack: **Yeah sure, whatever you need.

**Ianto: **Thanks, you're so understanding, I just need to fight this battle on my own.

**Jack: **You don't need to be alone Ianto, let me help you – please.

**Ianto: **I don't want to drag you down with me.

**Jack: **I won't get dragged down, I can help you up. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if you even care about me at all, you keep ignoring me and insisting to be left alone.

**Ianto: **Yes well…

**Jack: **Why can't you see that I'm trying to help?

**Ianto: **I do Jack but I'm so messed up right now, I need my space.

**Jack: **Sometimes I wish you would grow up Ianto, see reality and if you keep going against it, you will end up nowhere. Please, just let me help you, I'm dieing here without you. I Love you – can't you see that?

**Ianto: **I know Jack and I feel bad for hurting you but I need to win this on my own.

**Ianto has logged off**

Jack had felt awful about those conversations, as they had occurred almost every evening, he still did in fact. They were nearly always about different things, trivial things, that shouldn't matter. Often, at night, he thought back to them and wished that he and Ianto could have a proper conversation, face to face, without getting angry and having an argument.

In all fairness, it was mainly Jack who started these arguments as Ianto rarely got angry. He mostly got upset and ended up apologising far too much.

Then, on the 14th, Jacks diary proved an interesting read.

_**14**__**th**__** January**_

_He read it! He's read my diary! He knows all of the things I feel. Why? Why did I leave it on his desk for him to read? I suppose a small part of me wanted him to feel guilty but I should never have let him read it. Now he wants to read more, whenever I write a new entry! He says it helps him understand my feelings. I'm okay with that – I just wish he would share what he is thinking with me sometime you know? Yes Ianto, I know you're going to read this eventually, please tell me how you feel, write a diary, letter, blog, podcast – anything, please. You don't think I don't need to know too?_

_You should have seen it, after he read what I'd written, all this deep personal stuff. (Okay so I let him read it)He wrote this massive email about how he was so sorry he hurt me. It was nice to start with – you know, he cares about me and all that but he apologised, like, twenty times and after a while it was like, 'Stop being sorry, yeah some of it's your fault but get over it'._

_Maybe that's too harsh. I'm sorry Ianto but a part of me is so angry that you left. I feel as if there are two parts of me – my 'rational' side, which is the best part, and my selfish side, which is what takes over when I get angry. I know there's no excuse but I think there will always be a part of me that wants what's best for me, regardless of my surroundings._

_I thought of something today Ianto. Long ago, back when we were still together, I remember you used to say that we should invite Gwen to spend the night shift with us. You said it would be a test of how much self control we had. It would be fun, you said. We never did though, I didn't want to, why waste what precious time we had together? _

_I though of an answer today. Did you not like me Ianto? Was it an excuse to keep away from me? If you didn't want to spend time with me you should have said. I wouldn't have forced you to do anything. I Love you. _

_Though, I suppose, none of that matters anymore._

From that moment on, Jacks secret diary became a way to tell Ianto how he felt. An expression of feeling and desire.

Each time Ianto read, a conversation would happen. Never face to face. Always via email, or text, it seemed less personal, easier to talk although Jack wished every second he could see Ianto's beautiful face, see him again for real, not the public portrayal, not the lie that Ianto Jones was fast becoming.

It was so hard, for both of them. Loves lost, separating all the time.

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**A/N - This is turning out so depressing! I had no idea it was going to be like this when i started. Oh well - as long as you guys are enjoying it! Please please please review!!!**


	5. Escape of Feelings

**A/N - Sorry for the incredible lateness of this chapter - i suddenly developed writers block!!! Terrible i know but it happens to all of us hey! Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews** **and this chapter is dedicated to everyone who has reviewed and helped to keep it going. I don't own Torchwood.**

**There is a bit of textspeak so i've put a translation at the bottom just in case you don't speak the lingo!**

**Enjoy!**

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He sat. Brooding.

Jack very rarely had a proper chance to examine himself and his past and he found that it was necessary. Living forever, the one thing you had to do was know yourself. If you didn't, it would be a very lonely forever indeed.

There was so much about the last few weeks that Jack regretted, all the pain and sadness – all the unnecessary anger. All that anger that had reached its peak on the 18th.

Jack had just finished writing in his diary and, as was becoming habit, scanned it into the computer and emailed it to Ianto, who read it instantly.

It had been just like the other times, Ianto read, apologised (a lot) and left. He always asked Jack to text him, but only once had he actually text back. This time though, Ianto had 'explained' why he never texted, 'I'll text back when you say something interesting, there's no point otherwise.'

That sentence had built on Jacks anger, like a volcano ready to erupt. It didn't though, not yet.

Jacks eyes, clouded with memories, found, once again, the pages containing his life. He read the words he had written, wishing he could go back and change them.

_**19**__**th**__** January**_

_Last night. Last night. How to describe it._

_I got angry. Very angry. And I regret it. I hurt Ianto and I'm not proud._

_He promised he'd text me, he always promises. He never texts me though and tonight was no exception._

_Normally, I text him something like 'Im nt rly sure wat 2 txt bt u askd me 2 so hr I am'. He said he never replied to my texts because they weren't interesting and I suppose they weren't but I just don't understand how he can lie to me, break his promises. He always says he cares about me, but he lies. I can't stand it. So last night I texted this: 'u want me 2 make it intrestin do u? is it tht u jst pic n choos wat parts of me u like? Am I borin 4 u, is tht y u left – bordom?'_

_I admit I was angry, but I had no right to say such things to him, he needs my support. The terrible thing was that, when I received no reply, I kept on sending messages, each more terrible than the last until, when I came to my senses I apologised – a pretty poor display of emotion, even by my standards and I'm not proud._

_I apologised again this morning when he came into work. He stopped and said he'd written me a letter before turning away, ready for the day._

I never got that letter, thought Jack, back in the present day. What was it he'd said? That he bottled out. He'd said he had been too scared to actually give it to Jack because it had contained loads of 'romantic dribble'.

What the hell do I write, if not romantic dribble?

That line had been going around Jacks head the whole time, although it had changed from 'think' to 'write'. Jack found that writing all his thoughts and emotions gave him a chance to think things through and come to terms with himself. If he hadn't discovered the joys of writing, Jack didn't know what he would have done.

Then came the 22nd.

_**22**__**nd**__** January**_

_Today, so far, has been awful._

_I have realised the truth. I am invisible. No one cares about me. I am alone._

_We were down in the boardroom, all of us except Tosh who had the day off. It was one of those rare moments where the rift was quiet enough for us all to just get on with some paperwork._

_So there we all were, sat around, it was nothing formal – they were chatting and listening to music and laughing together. It was nice, we hardly ever get to relax with this job. I was in one of those moods though. I was feeling so sorry for myself, so filled up with all that has happened and how crap my life seemed right now. It was because of this that I decided to listen to a specific playlist I had created on my Ipod. It contains lots of 'break up' songs – I usually listen to it at night, when I need a good cry._

_It just happened that this time, this time I need a good cry, was a time when everyone was around me. And I did cry. I was crying for almost twenty minutes. Solidly. And no one noticed._

_They carried on talking, and laughing, and I was sobbing my heart out next to them. You would have thought that Ianto, at least, would have noticed. But it seems he really doesn't care._

_If Tosh were here maybe it would have been different._

_After twenty minutes I was forced to make a swift exit. I had intended to go to the toilets to clean myself up but I ended up locked in cubical crying even harder for the friends that seem to have moved on._

_When I resurfaced, Gwen came to see me. 'Where did you go?'_

_Huh! They notice when I'm gone, not when I'm in trouble. I'm so emotional yet I couldn't tell her I'd been crying and she'd missed it. Poor sweet, innocent, Gwen. She'd be devastated, she loves a chance to care._

'_Where was I? Where has part of my soul disappeared to more like!' _

_She asked no more questions after that._

_It's been a bad, bad, lonely day. And it's only 3:00pm._

Only, 3:00pm. The rest of the day had gone… eventfully.

Jack had told Tosh. He'd told her everything. Well, not told exactly, he'd given her a copy of his diary. Jack knew that if anyone would understand, it'd be her.

Bless her, she'd listened wonderfully, given him advise, and Jack was so thankful that he'd finally opened up. To be honest he had wanted to tell Tosh for ages but the right moment had never presented itself and also he didn't want to upset Ianto anymore by sharing the secret they swore not to tell. Ianto had said he could talk to Tosh though, bless him, always trying to make others happy despite he himself being in an extremely dark place of his own.

Not his fault though. Jack thought of it as his fault, that was the one part of it he didn't tell Tosh. He was killing himself inside, for messing things up and ruining someone's life. There was a part of him that told him that it wasn't his fault but more often than not, that part of Jack went on holiday.

The evening didn't stop there though.

While telling Tosh everything Jack received a text from Ianto and an email from Owen, almost simultaneously.

Ianto explained nicely that the team **had **in fact noticed him crying and just been too shocked to do anything.

Owen had demanded to know why Jack was pissed off and accused him of worrying Ianto and not talking to him.

Jack had preferred Iantos tack.

Soon everyone forgot about it (except Owen who was increasingly rude until Jack yelled at him and threatened to retcon his tiny arse all the way to Saturn.)

And life went on.

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For those of you who don't understand textspeak I have included a translation:

_Im nt rly sure wat 2 txt bt u askd me 2 so hr I am _**– I'm no really sure what to text but you asked me to so here I am.**

_u want me 2 make it intrestin do u? is it tht u jst pic n choos wat parts of me u like? Am I borin 4 u, is tht y u left – bordom?_ **– You want me to make it interesting do you? Is it that you just pick and choose what parts of me you like? Am I boring for you, is that why you left – boredom?**

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A/N - How was this chapter - I'm going through a thing where i read all my work and hate it, so please tell me if this is any good. All the best.**


	6. Hope to Despair

**A/N - Sorry for the delay (I know I say that every time), I'm quite pleased with this chapter (for once lol) and thank you so much for all your lovely reviews. They really keep this story coming. I don't own Torchwood.**

**Enjoy!**

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It seemed as if time had speeded up around Jack. He was reliving every moment of several weeks, crammed into several hours, yet he was nearing the end. With only a few entries left in the diary, the end must be approaching. But the story kept on coming.

Jack considered himself to be blind, ignorant and stupid. He had fucked up big time. The only person to blame was himself and he hated every minute of existence, existence that was deemed to go on forever.

So much of the future, but Jack was here, reliving the past.

_**26**__**th**__** January**_

_What an eventful day. It was one of those days that brought both sadness and joy._

_We were having our usual evening email chat, it was like we were making real progress, chatting and gossiping again like real friends. But then, as usual, the conversation turned to __that__ subject._

_First, Ianto kept telling me about how had given up on himself! How? I tried my very, very best to try and project reason into his head, make him see that he is loved and he is worth so much and that life offers everything to live for. But he wouldn't accept it. That was the sadness – so what was the joy?_

_I have more hope! The most important thing a person can have, without it you are lost._

_Ianto said that that what he wanted was me! I was so happy, I had more hope. I think he even tried to ask me out once more, but was too scared to. He got as far as 'Do you think that maybe…' before he finished with a 'never mind'. He kept asking me that night if I had guessed what he was going to say, and if I thought it was a good idea._

_I don't want to be selfish, I just want what is best for Ianto and though I know I keep saying it, it's true. Before I make any big decisions like this, I would need to talk to him. Seriously, face to face. But he doesn't want that – I can understand how it would be hard but nothing in life comes easy, I would need to satisfy myself that it was what he wanted and I wouldn't be making situations worse._

_We'll see how it goes._

Happy times, well as happy as they were going to get under the circumstances.

Why did this twisted story keep getting worse? When Jack had written this part of his diary, so long ago, he had pondered over psychology a lot. Who was to know what another person was thinking? All Jack could do was study his own mind and hope others were the same.

He had turned to writing down his thoughts, ideas, revelations and feelings. Jack found that expressing himself through the power of the written word helped calm him when he was angry, comfort him when he cried and console him when he felt like living no more.

He had started to write poems, expressing emotion and exploring the mind. There was only ever one that he had written into his diary, filling its own page, the rest lay in a tattered note pad, falling to pieces because of how many times it had been opened.

Jack felt as if he had written the poem for many reasons though none of them seemed clear.

_Does no one understand?_

_Does anyone see things  
__the way I do?  
__The goodness in everyone  
__belief in yourself.  
__Layout of one mind  
__set against another.  
__Does no one understand?_

_Does anyone see the world  
__the way I do?  
__The blindness, the cold  
__sending prejudice my way.  
__I've tried to communicate  
__my soul to the outside.  
__Does no one understand?_

_Does anyone see reason  
__the way I do?  
__Logic reigning tall and proud  
__all set out in a beautiful pattern  
__the road straight to happiness  
__yet the pattern is broken, unfollowed  
__Does no one understand?_

_Does anyone see justice  
__the way I do?  
__Unhappiness across the globe  
__that could be fixed if kindness ruled.  
__I need people to know what I feel  
__my mind cannot be unique  
__Does no one understand?_

_Does anyone see speech  
__the way I do?  
__Obsess over every word  
__find meaning, and again  
__all that noise in side my head  
__analysing the smallest detail.  
__Does no one understand?_

_Does anyone see feeling  
__the way I do?  
__All the Love, Anger and Sorrow.  
__What makes us human: opposites hand in hand  
__Hope is most important,  
__Without it we are lost.  
__Does no one understand?_

Soon after the poem, the diary entry that had sparked it lay on the page.

_**28**__**th**__** January**_

_He hates me! How could I have been so bloody stupid? It was never have going to have worked between us. What kills me most is that I have lost a best friend, the person I could confide in and he hates me._

_I get angry so easily because I assume people think the way I do. Of course they don't, I am insane , and I have ruined not only my own life, but the life of someone I value far more than all the things in this wide open universe._

_Ianto, my precious Ianto, misinterpreted what I said and is now under the impression that I don't care for him and that he is a burden to me._

_And we had an argument. Via text. At one O'clock in the morning._

_I have realised something._

_Ianto, whether I like it or not, is not the right person for me. I Love him more than I can say but I were to have a relationship with someone, I would need to know that they would trust me and accept that what I tell them is true._

_Ianto doesn't do that. He simply cannot believe that he is worth it. He does not believe that I Love him. He cannot believe that he has more friends and people looking out for him than I ever will. He cannot accept anything contrary to his belief that he is nothing and it kills me. But I do not give up on him – he doesn't believe that either._

_As soon as he remembers how much how much he is worth and how valuable he is to everyone, he will recover. I try and help, I really do but I have to accept, maybe I'm not the right person. Perhaps if Lisa were here, things would be different._

_I was so distraught that he had lost hope in me I did not realise entirely what I was doing. I ended up, crying my eyes out (again) slumped on the floor outside Tosh's flat. She is so wonderful, she just let me in and allowed me to cry on her shoulder for a while. She never pressed me to tell her anything. I'm so grateful I have her, and Ianto. Poor messed up Ianto. I hope he gets better – he deserves a wonderful, happy life. I just hope he realises it soon._

After he had written that, Jack had been back on the 'no sleep' thing. Why should he if he was such a horrible person? So what if he was tired, it was what he deserved.

The next day, Jack and Ianto only saw each other in passing. Jack was out hunting weevils and new artefacts most of the day and Ianto was hidden down in the archives with Owen, doing a joint research project on… goodness only knows what. Ianto and Owen had grown incredibly close over the last few weeks and Jack was glad that Ianto had someone to talk to and relax with. Several people had commented on it, PC Andy especially, he was such a gossip. He thought that something might be going on between the two despite the fact that Jack denied it. Andy had also noticed that Jack and Ianto were hardly speaking any more. He kept asking what was wrong and if Jack wanted to talk – he didn't.

When everyone had left for the day and Jack finally had a moment to himself, he sat at his desk and sent a copy of his diary to Ianto, which was becoming habit. Then he sat back and read through the pages.

And here he was. The end of the diary. But Jack knew that this story would never truly end, it would keep on coming and he swore he would keep up the diary, whatever happened in the future.

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**A/N - Sooo, what did you think? I think i'm going to write more but i'm not sure so we'll see how it goes! Please review.**


	7. Girls Old and New Bring Trouble

**A/N - Well, the next chapter is here!!! All the usual stuff I don't own Torchwood and all that.**

**To all my fellow Janto fans - I'm truly, truly sorry.**

**Enjoy!**

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He didn't care anymore. He had given up. Yes he knew he was being a hypocrite but no one can be strong the whole time.

Jack had given everyone the day off and the rift was quiet, he sat, wrapped in his duvet watching a stupid movie feeling like the world had ended. But it wasn't to last long – the film, because a police alert interrupted his wallowing.

He saw it wasn't important but as he had gotten up to look he found there was no point in watching more, so he got dressed. Not with his usual care, he just pulled on an old pair of jeans and he couldn't be bothered to even style his hair.

It was then that he noticed the display on his phone, which was lying on the bedside table.

**2 missed calls: Ianto mobile  
****3 text messages: Ianto mobile**

Oh dear. All were from around one in the morning and, for once, Jack had been asleep. He had several huge UNIT meetings in a few days and he figured he needed to be at his best, so he went to bed early.

The messages all contained pleas for Jack to wake up, saying that he needed to know something before he heard it from Owen. Owen? Oh dear.

Jack hastily tapped out a reply saying how he was asleep and asking what had happened and what the hell did Owen have to do with it?

No reply came for ages so Jack decided to clean out Myfanwy's cage as it needed doing and perhaps it would be calming.

Every little thing made him cry. He dropped the brush, he cried. Myfanwy did a poo, he cried.

At one point, Tosh made an appearance saying she needed to collect some files to work on at home, she found Jack bawling his eyes out because he'd dropped a cup. They'd had a short cuddle on the sofa before Jack sent Tosh away, he wasn't in the mood to talk.

It was then that his phone went off.

'I've told Owen some of it and I wanted to say that I'd got a girlfriend because I was mad at you.' Jack read aloud from the small screen. He was crying again, harder than ever, and this time, there was no one to talk to about it. Not that he wanted to talk actually. He wanted to write in his diary.

_**31**__**st**__** January**_

_He's got a girlfriend!_

_I told him that was alright though and I suppose it is if he is going out with her because he likes her. I'm not especially sure that is the case however. I think he is doing this to get back at me, I was horrible and he deservers someone better than me. I just don't want him to get hurt. Maybe I've meddled enough, it's his life, and I'll let him get on with it. There's no point, to anything. I should be concentrating on this important UNIT conference thing but all I can think about is Ianto and how crap both our lives are because of me. If I muck up these meetings, Torchwood could be disbanded. My whole future, all the teams' jobs would be gone. They could move on pretty quickly, they're all smart, all have qualifications. Where would I go though?_

_What worries me more is what exactly Ianto told Owen. Owen was the __**one **__person we swore we would never tell. He can be such a homophobic bastard and he would tell everyone. He is such a gossip and for both mine and especially Iantos sake, I don't want this information getting out. Oh, weevil alert, back in a minute._

Jack went out and soon returned with a caught weevil which he put in the cell next to Janet. Maybe they can bond, he thought, no one deserves to be alone. He went back up to finish his diary entry.

_Well I caught the weevil. I got a text while tracking it as well, you can probably guess who from. Good news first, Ianto only told Owen that we'd had an argument so that's alright. Down side (of the good news) is that Owen is going to come after me most likely. He's been very protective of Ianto recently and if he thinks I have somehow upset Ianto he won't even let me explain myself. Not that there is anything to explain anyway, it is my fault – I'd just rather live with my face intact._

_So, bad news. He said that he didn't __think__ it was serious. He could only have been going out with her for two days maximum! Even Ianto and I weren't serious after two days it just doesn't happen. I hope he's not deluding himself – expecting too much. _

_He said that this girl was quite a bit younger than him so it sounds like he's trying to get at me. I'm not actually that bothered, if he's happy. I hope she knows what she's letting herself in for though. Ianto said himself that he's not ready for a relationship so I hope he knows what he's doing._

Writing made Jack feel so much better. The rest of his free day past without much fuss, as the rift was quiet and Ianto had stopped texting.

There was a small moment, at around midnight, when Jack kept getting emails from one of Iantos old girlfriends. Christ! He'd thought he'd gotten rid of her ages ago. She kept asking if Ianto was with another girl and saying she would kill her if she hurt him. Thing was, Nicole didn't know Jack and Ianto had been together (Jack would be dead by now if she did) and her and Ianto had become really, really good friends. Jack suspected that Ianto was more friends with Nicole and Owen than with him. But that was alright, as long as he was happy. Deep down Jack didn't mind if Ianto was happy with him, Nicole or even this new Martina person. At least, Jack thought that was what Ianto had called her.

Ianto had come online at one point. They had spent quite a while both blaming themselves for everything that had happened though neither blamed the other. Ianto had owned up to the fact that he had only gotten into this 'relationship' with Martina because he was trying to get back at Jack. Then, strangely, Ianto had signed off leaving the departing message – I'll be back in a couple of hours.

Fuck that, thought Jack, a couple of hours? I only came on because he asked me to. It's one O'clock in the morning and I have a life changing meeting in two days. I'm going to bed.

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**A/N - Hope that chapter was as good as you say all the others are lovely reviewers, please don't forsake the review button now.**


	8. Faith Hope and Snow

**A/N - Yay next chapter! I'm having great fun writing this thanks to all my fantastic reviewers thank you soooooo much!**

**Theres a bit more diary in this chapter because i was stuck on the story bits but i think it works. This bit has a bit more Torchwood action going on because i thought that we needed a few weevils to keep it alive. I don't own these weevils, any other weevils or Torchwood.**

**Enjoy!**

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Days past, as was always the way. No matter how much you wanted time to stop, or the world to end, it just kept on going.

January rolled into February, which brought a surprise as well as the all important UNIT meetings. They certainly seemed cheerier with fat fluffy snowflakes falling outside the window.

_**02**__**nd**__** February**_

_It's snowing! I woke up this morning dreading having to sit through hours of UNIT officials yapping away, assessing Torchwood (ME). Ianto came too bless him and we sat their before the meeting listening to rumours that it would be postponed due to the weather. We were all hoping it would be just so as we could get out of it but everyone had come in especially so we just got on with it._

_Ianto said I did great but I don't believe it. I messed up completely I just couldn't care anymore. I wanted to run away and sleep. Ianto kept catching my eye, mouthing to ask if I was alright. I smiled at him each time our eyes met but the awkwardness was apparent. Our gaze never lingered for more than a few seconds each time and I wanted so much for things to go back the way they were. In the beginning, when we would laugh and joke about nothing, stupid things. But I have lost a friend._

_Poor Ianto. I know things are hard for him at the moment. It is hard for both of us. He was distraught yesterday when his cat was mauled by a stray weevil. We caught it – the weevil, but it took both me and Owen restraining Ianto to prevent him going down to the vaults and punching it right in the face there and then. The cat was dead._

_He kept yelling about how its death had set him back, how he'd been doing so well and this weevil had ruined it. I understood what he was on about and I think Owen did too but the others were clueless._

_More meetings tomorrow – hopefully they'll cancel those. I can't be bothered._

The conference was cancelled for that day. Everyone was ecstatic and Jack ordered that they could all have the day off as thick snow was a rare enough sight and they should enjoy it. Myfanwy joined in by escaping the Hub and it turned out she loved the snow. Jack was chasing around after her for much longer than he would readily admit but he caught the irate dinosaur eventually and restored her back to her high indoor cave. The rift was quiet again (Jack was beginning to wonder if there was something wrong) and so most of his day was wasted watching films and surfing the internet. The Twenty First century was so interesting.

_**03**__**rd**__** February**_

_No boring UNIT meetings! YAY! And it's still snowing! I love Earth, so much fun. Mind you - Bloody UNIT, never cancel anything, end of the world and they'll be sitting round the scheduled annual budget meeting. But a bit of harmless snow and it's a huge disaster. It was lucky the rift was quiet or it would have been work as usual for the rest of us._

_Ianto came online and started moaning about a huge snowball fight in his street and how he had ended up with snow down his pants (don't ask!). He seems to be getting on well with Martina. I'm happy for him yet I'm somewhat sad. I suppose you can't have everything you want. He talks about her a bit much for my liking though._

_We had that same old conversation today – each blaming ourselves for this whole business. I don't know why he blames himself, I think it's because he broke up with me in the first place but it's all my fault really. I was so blinded by my Love for him that I didn't register his feelings. I didn't think about the implications of my actions properly and I was so selfish, always thinking about what I wanted, not what was best for us. _

_Oh well, what's done is done. More meetings tomorrow – weather permitting._

There was no snow left the next day. It was a shame and everyone was feeling a bit down. Ianto wasn't even there, he called in sick – just a small fever he said. Jack hoped that was all but he knew that psychologically Ianto was far from fine. He was getting better all the time though.

Jack spent the morning writing in his diary, which was unusual as he normally reserved writing for the evenings.

_**04**__**th**__** February**_

_He texted me last night. He kept asking how could I Love him and he said he really wanted to kiss me right then and there._

_I was a little confused I must say. In the same message he would talk about wanting to kiss me and then say how Martina was a great kisser, he compared us to be honest. I had to ask him to stop talking about Martina actually. I feel like a complete bastard but why would I want to hear about the lucky person who I wish didn't exist, so Ianto could be with me._

_He said he had a dream about shagging me and Martina walking in._

_All I can hope for is that this means he still likes me. We had a conversation about hope actually. He said about how he had faith in God, and that was his hope. I'm glad he has faith. I have seen too much sadness and death in the whole of time and space. Every time I die I see nothing before I'm dragged back into life. I cannot believe._

_Also he asked me if I wanted to sleep with him, I think. I am a little confused and I bet he is too. I wouldn't want him to cheat and I really wouldn't want to take advantage of him or do anything we would regret later._

_But there is always hope, and I love him. That's got to count for something._

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**A/N - Please please please review - i would love to write a chapter celebrating 50 reviews hint hint!!!**


	9. Scares Turn into Wide Smiles

**A/N - 50 REVIEWS CELEBRATORY CHAPTER!!! Thank you soooo so much to everyone who has halped me get to the the big 50 it really means a lot.**

**Anyway - To the story. I really had great fun writing this chapter, especially the last bit. I hope you like it and as always i don't own Torchwood.**

**Enjoy!**

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The path moved steadily past him, as if he were in a trance. The sun pushed defiantly through the winter clouds casting a dim glow on the bare trees and the gravelled path that stretched away into the distance.

Jack plodded onwards, his face was pink and screwed up against the cold and he thought. He thought of all that had happened and all that could happen in the future.

His tired eyes looked up from watching the ground as they had been doing for miles. There was a figure in the distance. A tall, broad shouldered man dressed in a sharp suit beckoning for Jack to reach him.

Jack ran, as fast as he could, crying as he went – wanting so desperately to reach the end of that cruel path and be happy again. But, when he neared the end, there was no one there to meet him. He was still alone.

And then he woke up.

_**05**__**th**__** February**_

_Well it's a lovely sunny morning. Again – morning, this is beginning to become a habit._

_What Ianto did last night fills me with great sadness but also, I think, a tiny spark of hope. This hope is not the sensible, reasonable hope about Ianto finding happiness even if not with me, this is the selfish, Love induced hope that we will get back together._

_We'd had our usual evening text conversation, stretching long into the night, so long that I think he fell asleep._

_He broke up with Martina. For me – I think, though I told him not to. I didn't want to ruin yet another thing. I feel I have already ruined both Iantos life and my life and I really didn't want to ruin Iantos relationship with Martina as well. But that's over now and I suppose I will have to live with the guilt. I can't do anything right can I?_

_Ianto told me to stop beating myself up about all this and I said I would if he did as well. He agreed and honestly he has no reason to feel bad because nothing was his fault, it was all my fault._

_He's got this new thing. He says I plan things and think about things too much and it's his new aim in life to make me more spontaneous. Really! Where would Torchwood be if everyone was spontaneous all the time? We'd never get anything done properly. It's good to be organised – have a plan._

_To be honest I don't know how he's going to attempt to make me spontaneous. He said he might jump me! _

_Well I couldn't say it wouldn't be a nice surprise but I don't him to do anything he would regret later. You have to plan and think about these things. The last thing he sent me before – I think – he fell asleep was 'so how about it?'_

_I thought about that a lot. There are so many things it could mean - in my head at least. I hope Ianto's been thinking about what he is doing. I just don't want him to get hurt._

That day passed without too much bother, well before the evening came at any rate. UNIT had confirmed that Torchwoods position was assured but they insisted that they needed to have more meetings. Jack felt it was a complete waste of time but it was just one of those annoying things that had to be done. To be done for two more weeks! How many meetings could you have about nothing? They each lasted over an hour each and there were other things Jack could be doing, like thinking about the 'Ianto situation' or writing in his diary, maybe even some actual work.

That evening, when they had finished for the day, Jack walked Ianto back home. He was hoping to spend some time talking and having a serious conversation about their situation. Jack wanted to know what that lat text was suggesting. He was really hoping that maybe Ianto was going to ask if they could get back together but whenever he asked Ianto changed the subject. In the end he was just babbling about trousers and snow. He got some strange looks off people as he appeared to be talking to himself.

As was always the way, Jack received a message from Ianto just after they had parted. But it was not a normal message.

'I got Martina pregnant'

Jack felt awful, he almost started crying, 'how, when' he'd stuttered out a reply. Jack spent minutes that seemed like hours walking round not knowing what to do with himself – waiting for a reply. This couldn't be true, Ianto would never be that stupid would he? Did he do it to spite me? Millions of terrible possibilities and situations ran around his head again and again until Ianto's text came back with 'Not really I just wanted to see your reaction'.

Jack was so angry that Ianto could lie to him about something so huge and think it was funny.

There was a lot of back and forth messages after that about what they both really wanted and were they both happy and what would make them both happy. Quite confusing really. After a while they both just went online and had a proper conversation, well as proper as you can have online.

They both really wanted to. Inside. But Ianto wasn't sure if it was best and Jack didn't want to push him into anything. And that was the way the conversation stayed for a while until 'I know you won't push me into anything – that's why I love you.'

_**05**__**th**__** February – necessary continuation.**_

_HE LOVES ME!!!!!!_

_He loves me he loves me he loves me he loves me he loves me he loves me he loves me he loves me!_

_He said he loves me! I am so happy right now I have been grinning and it doesn't look like I will stop grinning anytime soon. I Love him and he loves me. All we need now is to get back together and everything will be perfect._

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**A/N - Still more story to come it's not finished yet hehe. Please review because it makes me happy and i write quicker when i'm happy!**


	10. The Second Beginning

**A/N - Well here is the last chapter. I have really loved writing this and thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed and helped this story develop.**

**This is just a short, rounding off sort of chapter. I don't own Torchwood.**

**Enjoy!_

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_**

_**06th February**_

_I am happier than ever before!_

_I love writing this diary and most of all I Love Ianto! He read what I wrote at the end of yesterday and suggested that we get back together again. I was dancing around the room singing and jumping for ages. Lucky there was no one here really or they might have thought I was insane._

_Tosh noticed how happy I was this morning and I think she might have guessed but that's alright. She is the one I trust most with this amazing secret._

_Ianto and I kept stealing glances all throughout UNIT's stupid meeting and I had an uplifting song in my head and the combination made me grin like an idiot again. Oh well, life's good and Ianto and I are in Love!_

_I still can't quite believe it myself, it feels somehow too good to be true but this time I shall make sure that I treat him well, as good as a man like him deserves to be treated. I shall try my very hardest and I shall give him everything I've got._

_I know they say that good things can't last forever but I shall give it a damn good go._

_No time like the present I always say (and it comes in useful when you travel in time), so Ianto, cariad, this is for you._

_Ianto, you're as precious to me  
__As a gemstone or pearl  
__From the bottom of the sea  
__A flower that needs protecting  
__Ianto, I give you my heart  
__My soul, my mind  
__I'll give you everything  
__And maybe you will find  
__That I Love you._

_Jack xxx_

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**A/N - So this is the End. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please review, give it a big send off perhaps? (I wasn't sure about the poem, i wanted to make it really romantic but i couldn't think of anything)****.**

**All the best**

**Fi3fi3**

**SEQUAL NOW UP - Discovering the Truth Again**


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